


there's a fire inside you (and you know that i'll find you)

by oathkeeping



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, M/M, Post ANH, Recovery, just like 90 percent of the rogue one fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 23:37:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11263389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oathkeeping/pseuds/oathkeeping
Summary: Hoth is a frigid cold wasteland, devoid of joy or happiness – it fits, as far as Cassian is concerned, his mood of late has been worsening with the weather. It’s hard not to feel this way, he’d been fine, for a while.Happy, even.But now he wonders why he thought that he could ever have anything good. What’s the point, it never lasts?





	there's a fire inside you (and you know that i'll find you)

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been kinda struggling with that writing thing for a while now, but I wanted to contribute for this and the idea I had fit the bill for all 3 days. Post Scarif/First times/Happy endings. I've never written from Cassian's pov before, so I don't know how well I did but hopefully I did him some justice. Let me know what you think! Find me on tumblr @ [bodhirocking](http://bodhirocking.tumblr.com/). Leave me a prompt, say hi or just yell at me about Rogue One. I'm still yelling about it and would like more people to yell about it with.
> 
> Title comes from "Torches" by X Ambassadors

Hoth is a frigid cold wasteland, devoid of joy or happiness – it fits, as far as Cassian is concerned, his mood of late has been worsening with the weather. It’s hard not to feel this way, he’d been fine, for a while. 

Happy, even.

But now he wonders why he thought that he could ever have anything good. What’s the point, it never lasts?

–

Cassian and Bodhi are both less injured than Chirrut, but they’re both confined to the med-bay for longer, in beds next to one another. Cassian has a shattered spine, which had to be reinforced with steel, Bodhi’s burns were severe, but it was the arm which had been pierced by shrapnel which caused the problem, it had become infected and had to be removed. He was given a mechanical arm with a sturdy black frame and struggled to get used to it. But he did, just as Cassian had to learn to walk all over again. It’s two weeks of being confined in the space, with the occasional visit from one of their teammates, or a general to talk to them for de-briefing, or the medics come to poke and prod and make sure their therapy is done.

It’s… _not_ as bad as it _could_ be. Cassian is grateful at least, for Bodhi’s company throughout.  

Cassian has never been an open person, part of it is of course, it doesn’t work for a spy. But even on base, the only friend he’s ever really had was Kaytoo, who is gone now. There might have been a data drive with his backup back in his room, but he’s not been allowed to go back and look. It’s so easy to talk to Bodhi, though. He doesn’t say it, but he feels an admiration for the pilot, who’d shown as much bravery as any of the soldiers who’d been fighting in the war for years. It took courage and backbone to do what he did, and then he managed to fly them off the planet despite his injuries. But with the two of them, in the long hours of the night with the lights dimmed and only the sound of the machines, some nights sleep evades him, or Bodhi will wake up after a nightmare, they talk.

They talk _a lot_. 

Cassian doesn’t know that he’s been falling for the pilot, doesn’t realize that he has been – maybe since he’s met the young man. He can, however pinpoint the moment he realized that he was in love with him. The day that they were released was the day that the ashes of the Death Star were spread over the sky above them. When the plans had thought to be lost, it felt like it was the end, but now… now he has hope again.

And when he looks over at Bodhi, looking up at the night sky with a look of peace on his beautiful features (“We did that, Cassian. We did that.”), he doesn’t hesitate before he’s leaning over to go in for a kiss. Bodhi freezes against him, and for a moment he wonders if he’s made a mistake or misread any hints – he might be a spy, trained to evaluate tells, but he doesn’t know relationships very well.

The fears are put aside as Bodhi leans into the kiss, reacting, hands going to his hair to drag Cassian closer –

“Oh, sorry. Didn’t know this balcony was occupied.” It’s Jyn, followed by Baze and Chirrut. Bodhi blushes, and Cassian curses.

“Please. Don’t stop on our account.” Chirrut’s grin is wide, and the teasing is gentle.

–

That was then, this is now. A lot changes in the matter of a few months. Bodhi, and Jyn both officially join the cause – Jyn as an agent just like him, and Bodhi as a pilot, invited personally to join Rogue Squadron by Luke Skywalker himself. Baze and Chirrut stay, and Cassian thinks it has to do with the jedi in training that Chirrut has taken to. Cassian continues his work in the field as a spy, and they settle on Hoth.

And then one day the squadron returns from a run in with Imperials in territory they weren’t supposed to be. Cassian happens to be in the hangar, running diagnostics on the newly reinstalled Kaytoo when the pilots return. His eyes go up slightly from his work and the droid makes a comment about his full attention which he ignores. There’s one ship missing. It’s not until they’ve all disembarked and he sees Luke Skywalker’s face as the young man walks in his direction does he realize who it is.

Bodhi isn’t with them.

He follows them into the room as they debrief and listens to the conversations held between the pilots until he hears Bodhi cry out. “I’m hit!”

_“We’re coming in for you. Hold your position!”_

_“Negative. Two more on my tail, can’t shake them off – ”_

_“Bodhi!”_

_“Tell Cassian –”_ and the feed cuts. The spy feels something clench painfully in his chest, as he stares impassively ahead of him, ignoring Jyn’s questioning.

“Cassian?” There’s a hand on his shoulder. Luke again. He doesn’t know the boy, Jedi well. There’s such a spirit about this young man, but he knows that he too will be extinguished. Whether it be the war takes a toll on his soul, or his life – he doesn’t know. But he knows… because that’s just how it was. Bodhi was proof enough of that.

“Thank you.” He says, shaking the hand off and stalking off.

–

They expect him to grieve. To show emotion, but he throws himself into his work with a reckless vigor, focusing on the fight, ignoring the looks he sometimes gets from his teammates. His friends.

“It’s okay if you miss him.” Jyn again. Of course it is. She doesn’t know that he misses Bodhi every single day, that he sleeps with a shirt of his because it smells of warmth – it smells like him. “You can grieve, that doesn’t make you weak.” She’s changed so much since he’s met her, and like the rest of his team, he’s proud of her. But he can’t make himself admit that she’s right.

“This is a war, Jyn. People die all the time. We all know the risks, everyday. He knew the risks. We honor our dead, but we can’t stop the work for anything.” It’s such a practiced answer, cold but he doesn’t care. If he were to talk about it, or show her how much it hurts, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to stop, he needs to carry on. 

Cassian Andor now only has the cause.

“That’s bantha shit, Captain.”

“It’s not. It’s being realistic. Now if you’ll excuse me–”

It’s only when he’s back in the safety of his room does he let the emotions flood out of him. It’s proof that he can have nothing in his life – the beacon of hope and light that was Bodhi Rook, the defector that gave him courage to question his orders, who he’d confided in, who he’d opened himself up to was gone. It hurts like a missing limb. It’s also proving a point, showing him where he went wrong. Fate, or the force, or whatever you want to call it is cruel.

Attachments will only be ripped away from him, it’s all the more reason to shut the others out before they too are taken.

–

It’s a month and three days after Bodhi’s disappearance, two weeks since he’s started avoiding the others. How hard it is to get used to solitude again when he’s already opened himself to people, let them in and took joy in their presence. He’d had friends. It becomes harder to sleep, and he dreams more often of losing Bodhi than he does of the happier memories, few as they were. Always the same, always watching him die and being unable to stop it. Sometimes the others are there, sometimes he has to watch them die too. 

That’s when it happens. The pilots are back in the hangar after a mission, except that one ship seems to be towing another battered looking X-Wing. He watches as Wedge jumps out of the ship and runs to the second ship. By now a crowd is forming as the pilots all congregate as Wedge helps someone out and Cassian feels the air pressed from his lungs.

Bodhi looks thinner, hair falling out of it’s usual ponytail. He can see cuts and bruises, and from the way he’s holding his arm, he’d guess his arm was broken, and the way he limps along, supported by Wedge and Luke, a sprained ankle. But when he looks up and around, his eyes fall on Cassian and he lights up. Despite his injuries, he pulls out of the hands of those helping him and stumbles forward towards him. He’s in front of the pilot before he’s even aware that he’d moved, hands reaching out just as Bodhi slumps against him.

“How…?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know – I just knew I had to come back, and they found me and –” Cassian silences him with a kiss. _I love you, I love you, you came back to me_. Bodhi returns it with vigor, as the crowd disperses. 

Finally, he pulls apart to breathe, still holding onto the pilot in front of him. As if letting him go would cause him to disappear, as if he’d wake up from this perfect dream. “I should… probably go to the medic. Before Luke and Wedge drag me. Will you stay with me?” his eyes are as impossibly wide and hopeful as he remembers. 

“Of course I will. For you, I would do anything.” 


End file.
